The first star I see tonight
by losvu
Summary: Alexs' thoughts when she is shot. Reviews welcomed


Title: The first star I see tonight.  
  
Author: losvu  
  
Emily Dickinson wrote the poem, I hear a fly buzz before I died. I did not write this poem, nor am I making a profit from using the last lines for my story. I also do not own the law and order svu characters.  
  
Summary: Alex thoughts when she gets shot.  
  
First fanfic ever. Be nice (well no flames, criticism welcome once constructive even slightly constructive!)  
  
We left the bar and headed outside. The night air was cool and fresh. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Relief that the case was over had not fully sunk in. I hugged myself and rubbed my upper arms with my hands. I wasn't cold; it was for comfort that I hugged myself. Thinking about the case again made me shiver. Having my life threatened is not an experience I would like to go through again.  
  
Elliot offered to give me a lift home. I declined though. I didn't have far to walk anyway. Also I was in one of those moods for a nice stroll home beneath the moon. Hopefully, it would also clear my mind and allow some time for me to relax. Fresh air always helped me to sleep better and I needed a good night sleep after the last few restless nights.  
  
I looked over at Olivia who appeared concerned when I declined Elliot's offer for a lift. I became suddenly annoyed. I was sick and tired of Elliot and Olivia feeling the need to look after my well being. It annoyed me that there concern for my safety would continue for a while longer, even though the case was closed. Once or twice, I did blame them for getting me into this mess. I guess that blame really came from me being scared. More scared than I have ever been in my entire life. It's not their fault. They were just doing their job like I was.  
  
The three of us were walking slowly side my side along the footpath. Out of the corner of my eye I suddenly saw Elliot ducking. I didn't know what he was doing. I then noticed that Olivia was doing the same thing. All of a sudden, I felt myself being thrown to the ground, as if someone pushed me. I didn't scream out, I think due to confusion. I couldn't understand why someone would try to push me down. Lying on the cold cement path my head began to buzz loudly. It then occurred to that it was my head it was my ears that were buzzing. I couldn't hear anything but the loud buzzing in my ears.  
  
I stared up at the night sky. It was so dark. I searched the blackness to find a star that I could stare at. But no matter how hard I tried the darkness remained. I felt the air go thick and heavy. My hands became sweaty and I felt the rough ground under my fingertips become smooth. I looked back up at the black sky searching desperately for the stars.  
  
I then became aware of Olivia kneeling down beside me. She was saying something, but I couldn't hear her, I only could see her lips move. Then I saw the horror in her eyes. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but my throat seem to choke up. I was about to try speaking again when the pain hit me. It was so sharp and intense. It felt like a knife sticking right through my shoulder. That was where the pain was focused, but I could feel the pain resonating throughout my body.  
  
Olivia then pressed down hard on my shoulder. I tried to flinch, but I couldn't, I was paralysed due to the pain. The pain, I thought couldn't get worse until Olivia put pressure on my shoulder. It felt like she was rotating the knife around, within my shoulder. I was in to much pain to even cringe.  
  
The loud buzzing continued. I could only still see Olivia mouthing words. Emily Dickinson's poem suddenly sprung to my mind, "I heard a fly buzzing when I died." It crossed my mind then that, I was going to die. For some reason I wasn't scared by the thought. I felt oddly calm. The world for some reason suddenly seemed perfect and everything made sense. It was like living through the whole winter without a peak of light from the sun and one day you get up and the sky is blue and the sun is glazing and everything seems to glow. Then you realise that although it was dull and grey during the winter, it doesn't mean the world was never perfect. Just because you can't always see the sun, doesn't mean it isn't there.  
  
I tried to focus on the last lines of the poems. Anything to forget about the pain.  
  
"Between the light -- and me-."  
  
I stared back up at the sky again, but I was only staring into the darkness. I let my mind wonder back to the poem.  
  
"And then the Windows failed -- and then."  
  
I searched for my mind for the final line of the poem. The buzzing seemed to be fading. It made it easier to think. Finally it came to me, "and then-- I could not see to see --."  
  
I closed my eyes, and the darkness surrounded me. Only then did I see the stars. 


End file.
